Frission

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Piloerection (goosebumps), the physical part of frissonFrisson (UK: /ˈfriːsɒn/ FREE-son, US: /friːˈsoʊn/ free-SOHN[1][2] French: [fʁisɔ̃]; French for "shiver"), also known as aesthetic chills or psychogenic shivers, is a psychophysiological response to rewarding stimuli (including music, films, stories, and rituals[3]) that often induces a pleasurable or otherwise positively-valenced affective state and transient paresthesia (skin tingling or chills), sometimes along with piloerection (goose bumps) and mydriasis (pupil dilation).[4][5][6][7] The sensation commonly occurs as a mildly to moderately pleasurable emotional response to music with skin tingling;[4] piloerection and pupil dilation not necessarily occurring in all cases.[6][7]v

So why is this happening to me all the time since Soph left if it's supposed to be a positive experience? Am I hiding in fantasy, escaping my problems through the both finite and happily-ever-after movies that I've been watching? I'm now getting chills from scenes I may have cringed at before, and it's happening while I listen to music more often. Why?

I believe I heard on the radio many years ago a tidbit that went something like "If you experience chills while listening to music, it means you're thriving." I don't think I'm thriving.

From Dictionary.com

Thriving

adjective

1. prospering or doing well; highly successful:The Arts Commission plans to expand its thriving ArtSmart program into all 21 of the city’s elementary schools.

2. growing or developing vigorously; flourishing:When I worked on her farm ten years ago there was still a thriving goat herd, but she’s been unable to keep it up on her own.

Nope, I'm not thriving. I'm not stable. So why the goosebumps and emotions? It almost feels like a dam is breaking in my mind, some colossal barrier that after having thing after thing after experience after emotion tucked away, has said enough is enough and sprung a leak to test me. Why did my eyes well up when I came across a letter from my uncle a week ago, one that referenced my father's death? Why have I missed my dad more and more recently? Why do I want to go visit him? Why am I so sad if not set at a task?

I don't know all the answers.

Is it healthy for me to distract myself? I dunno. Is it working temporarily? Sure has been, but at what cost? I'm asking a lot of questions.

I know enough of the answers to be somewhat immune to solutions, and that's a dangerously comfortable place to be stuck in. I wanted to feel things again, but now that it's happening is it what I need? Probably, but it's harrowing to me that my emotions are about to break free and run wild.

I liken my unreleased feelings to carbon, once piled up and subjected to immense pressure they change and are liable to become hard and uncomfortable.

Diamonds, if you will, but not the aesthetically pleasing kind.

Anger is not something I can afford to not control.