Immersion

As I fell backwards into certain death, I looked up and all I felt was peace.

Normally I don't write these on my phone, however this one is important and I'm not about to go downstairs to get my laptop.

Videogames are a heck of a thing. Anyone can be or do anything, with no real-world consequences save the waste of sacred time. Normally I play driving games like Forza Horizon 5 (they do have real world results in vehicle control), adventure games (especially 2D ones that are dark and artistic, I absolutely LOVED "LIMBO" and "INSIDE" by a danish independent studio called Playdead) strategy games like The Battle of Polytopia (think Risk and Settlers had a cartoonish baby) with my cousin and friends, an MMORPG called Cubic Castles and a browser based first-person-shooter (FPS) called Shellshockers. I've never been a big gamer, but I do enjoy videogames a lot and have spent a decent amount of time playing them.

Recently, my friend introduced me to a game called Apex Legends. It's a battle-royale-esque FPS that is free to play and has a very steep learning curve. It took me probably 60 hours to get the gameplay down ish, I'm around 250 hours into it now and am still not competitive. Regardless, it's still a fun way to de-stress, spend time with my friend who lives almost an hour away, and disassociate. The latter is the reason I'm writing tonight. There is a lot on my mind that I could touch on, but what happened tonight was so new and strange to me that I must record it.

Immersion in videogame design is a big factor. The more the person feels like they're in the game, the more engaged they are. More hours of playtime and more repeat players are both revenue-inducing ideals that the developers strive to create. An immersed player is money and power in a company's hands. I'm falling asleep and going off track.

Apex has great immersion; at least that's been my personal experience. Winning a match makes you and your teammates feel happy, especially because it's something of a rare occurrence. Your team of 3 is one of 20, a lot of players had to "die", you're probably somewhat stressed, but when the winner's banner plays it all melts away. Good stuff. I repeat I am falling asleep. Dang.

Anyway, this brings me to my story. Earlier we were in a match, one with a couple of other friends

*falls asleep*

I'm picking this up a few nights later. Looking back on what I'd written, I'd like to apologize because it was not well-formed. It was like 6 A.M.

A couple friends and I were in a match and it wasn't going well. The boundary slowly shrinks, and I'd gotten caught in it and was losing health. I knew that if I was knocked down and my teammate revived me, I wouldn't make it. The only viable option was for me to commit a sort of temporary suicide by jumping through a hole in the map. My teammate could pick up my banner and respawn me somewhere safe.

With no time to think, I jumped, flew, turned around and looked upwards as I fell to a simulated death. Immediately I felt a sense of overwhelming peace. Too much peace to just come from being entirely immersed in the game, it seemed. I was surprised, and it set off some alarm bells.

Why?

My teammate brought me back later in the match, we likely didn't win, and eventually I went to bed. The peace didn't stick, but the concern did.

I think I can attribute it largely to being stressed in game and knowing immediately there was nothing that I could do anymore, at least for the time being. Maybe I was just super into it.

However, I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't think there was more to it than being relieved about a videogame.

I'm not suicidal, but I do have a more narrow perspective on life right now than I'd like to admit. I think I haven't posted since before November, when Soph and I broke up. Navigating the end of 3.5 year relationship is something I wish on nobody. It's incredibly healthy for me to figure out who I am without her, however I don't entirely like who I'm becoming. I digress, I didn't start writing to discuss that situation, only to share what happened the other night playing Apex. I'll leave that for another time.

I have events planned, cars to work on, friends to do things with, and God is good. I think this summer is gonna be alright.

I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life.

I'm not locked in writing right now like I like to be when I'm really in the mood, which is why my grammar is so poor and my vocabulary is so narrow. I apologize. This is not my best work.

Fin