Usually if I open up the backend website and start typing words will come to me.
I start writing now with nothing particular to say, no great outpouring of emotion, long vying for release, waiting to drizzle on my keyboard.
It's only been three days since Soph left for Bible college overseas, and I quickly have come to realize how much of me left with her.
If anything, I feel numb and alone, with an overwhelming and deep sadness now firmly rooted in my mind. It takes away my energy and will to get out of bed; the very definition and nature of a parasite. However, since I'd rather suck it up than let myself cry, I opened the backend website for House Arrest and started writing. Now here we sit.
What to write about.
Sun and summer and dust and light and heat?
Snow and chill and hills and speed and sound?
Road trips, snoozing in the back of a vehicle, waiting for life to happen to me?
The garage and the solitude and relief in a mended object?
Pancakes?
What makes me happy?
There are far better uses of my time than sitting on my phone all day.
I wish I could work, but my work is entirely reliant on good weather. I haven't been able to work at all this week, and time has slowed to a crawl.
I smell bad. I should probably shower.
I also need to set an eye appointment, my glasses prescription is old, and my eyes continue to worsen.
I should be cleaning my room.
I should be taking life by the horns.
I'm making money, I'm doing deals, I'm not failing at life, I'm just not thriving.
It's awkward and thought-provoking to be writing without a clear point I want to communicate. I have to think about the words and arrange my thoughts.
Maybe it's therapeutic.
Maybe I need a cheeseburger.
That reminds me, I left two pieces of Costco pizza in the garage in a box on Monday. Shame, those sound good right now. I'm not eating much, I have little motivation to. Maybe I should go to the gym. I'm almost scared to live life without Soph to be there if things go wrong. Maybe she is the one. Goodness knows we've been together long enough. I was scrolling through Facebook today and came across a profile of an older couple, somewhat recently married, in a relationship since 2021 if I recall. "Wow." I thought to myself, "We've been together longer than they have." The more time passes the more commonly that realization occurs. A lot of time has passed since April 15, 2020 (We weren't dating until after my 18th birthday in April of 2022 on a parental technicality.)
I just remembered seeing an old notebook of mine under my bed. I wrote in notebooks a decent amount as a kid, I'm gonna go pull it out and see what's inside. One moment.
Nevermind, it was from science class. I'm gonna see if I can locate the identical one that wasn't from my education.
Got it.
*spends 10 min flipping through*
Well that was a trip. There was a lot about girls, a lot of plans and diagrams, both for leadership in organized groups that I'd created and vehicle stuff. Benefits of different electric ride-ons to pull a camper I was gonna make for Sister. I have changed. I used to think the world of her, and do anything I could to make her happy. I was a loving, exuberant big brother. What happened? Why do we fight all the time?
The sun just peered through the clouds and faded again, I wish it was nice outside.
This blog is written now by me typing out my internal monologue, I think. Welcome to my head. The quality and ease of my writing has fallen far from what it was, not reading and not writing will do that to you I guess. I'm no longer hypercritical of what I write. I'm lazy. I don't always force myself to use engaging words to convey engaging themes. I want to improve again, I used to be good. My vocabulary I use is shrinking.
I'm going to copy some of the contents of the notebook.
The page one entry is titled "LEAF DAY SCHEDULE" in big, sloppy, flowy letters that accurately represent my handwriting to this day.
A list of names, addresses, and phone numbers follow, the latter two I've removed for privacy.
treVor S.
HOPe S.
qWynn H.
Mabel
Abagail T.
i
Kailee F.
They were good friends of mine, one or two of whom I still talk to today. I didn't have a lot of friends when I first moved to Portland.
The next page says "Bring:" across the top in similar font to the header from page one. Following is a list with names (some censored for privacy) and what they need to bring to this leaf-themed event that, despite extensive planning, never came to fruition.
Everyone - Pumpkins/carving kits
K****** - Cider? Hot Caoco? Snacks?
H***** - Cookies/frosting?
Sullivans - Victoria strainer + apples / pumpkin joe joes
S******** - Carmel apples/snacks
F****** Pumpkin pie kits?
Opposite is a schedule, header "Schedule"
9:00 A.M.
1. Arrive
9:15 - 10:00
2, Breakfast Pumpkin pancakes cider/cocao
10:00 - 10:30
3. Free play
10:30 - 11:00
4. leaf wars
11:00 - 12:00
5. leaf bury
At this point I think I'll just take pictures, because accurately making sense of this and transposing it into text is taking way too long. Here's the list, as well as some elaborate plans for April fools pranks one year. Those were probably drawn up early 2017, I would have been 12. The leaf event plans date farther back.
I think in the interest of conclusion and resolution (it's now much later in the day and I've revisited a couple of times to write more), I'm going to end here. Maybe I'll come back to the notebook, maybe not. It's not terribly interesting.
I'm tired, but the distraction was nice and welcome.
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