March 20-21, 2020
PASTOR,
Apologies for the late article. Mom had my phone again, so I pulled a groupyscoopyswoopy and did two days in one. Very high-tech. Very fancy.
Yesterday (Friday) was a good day overall. I slept in, as usual. It's so nice to be able to sleep in every day. No responsibilities early in the morning, no silly educators trying to algebrate my slumber, no cares, no cows, no cats. Oop speaking of cats...Sister, who used to love cats and dote on our neighbor's outdoor feline, was traumatized yesterday after she watched said well-fed animal kill a bird for sport. It was in our back yard right in front of her, poor thing. Now she can't even stand the word "cat" because all lions, panthers, ocelots, cougars, bobcats, heck, even the tabbys who live in my browser incognito invoke feelings of negativity.
Moving on!
We hung out with our neighbors from across the street a lot yesterday, it almost seems like we're becoming an extension of their family. I fall almost in the middle of their lineup of boys, and spend many happy afternoons watching memes, biking, or pooping on a mountain with Neighbor Boy. Sister is a couple years younger than their youngest, he and she seem to get along...sometimes. they share some similar interests, but I don't think they could ever be together... who knows! They say love is blind, maybe she'll be blind enough to fall for him. Oh boy that went south quick. Anyway, they can get along fairly well. We went over to their house for dinner, which was quite delicious except for the salmon filling. I just now realized it was the lobster in said salmon that had such an unappealing flavor to me, because I remember one of my friends bringing coCost lobster bisque to school because another friend of mine couldn't stop quoting a Studio C sketch. Good times, bad bisque. After dinner they started a game of monopoly which I opted out of. I biked home really quick to use the bathroom, came back, Mom and Neighbor Mom were watching La La Land. The title is cliche, but I'll give it the only thumbs up in the movie because it has beautiful alliteration. I popped home again for a snack, and noticed dad had called. I called him back, and we talked for a while. He was doing well. Near the end of our chat I noticed a large black spider loping across the kitchen floor. I mentioned it to Dad, and he said kill it. Having an aversion to arachnids, I got off the phone, biked across the street again, and notified Mother. She said kill it, but I was over there already and by the time we got back for the night it had vanished, much to my delight. At their house, Neighbor Boy, valuing sleep over camaraderie, went to bed. The movie ended and so did the monopoly game with no clear winner. We left, and my salmon from dinner is still in their fridge to my knowledge. I'll go eat it tomorrow, Lord willing.
Moving on!
Today was wonderfully unproductive. In proverbs it says "Go to the ant, you sluggard! Consider its ways and be wise." We have an ant infestation, and following one of their leads would result in 1. Crawling all over bathroom walls while some occupant relieves themselves. 2. Eating candy from my room floor that's been there since who knows when and was likely last used as slingshot ammunition. And 3. Eating poison and feeding it to Melania Trump.
This is why I am lazy.
After waking up today I cleaned the garage. Then I went to bed. Cleaning the garage is usually a 1 hour job, but I was struggling from lack of social interaction and stress. It took almost all day. However, we biked to VilleBurger for dinner, which was not only counterintuitive, but exceedingly tiring for Mother. She brought up the rear in our bike train, with sister in the middle. It's a two mile round trip, and for the life of us we couldn't figure out why she was so slow and tired. There was marginal elevation gain, the road dropped maybe 30 or 40 feet to a plain and climbed out again, but it was very gradual. On the way home, we elected that she should lead and set the pace. The general consensus was that she was exceedingly out of shape,until on the final climb-out we discovered that she was on gear 21! With this factored in, the equation balanced. After we came home and ate, I finished cleaning the garage. Then I was on my computer for the rest of the night. Your crazy son has been harping me to start a blog, so I did tonight. I almost got the website launched before I had to turn in. But I'll hopefully finish it tomorrow. It is called, you guessed it, HOUSE ARREST and will contain the comedy articles I have been sending you, tailored to be depersonalized and untraceable.
The hour is late, and I must be up early for virch (virtual church) tomorrow. I had you adieu, PASTOR, sweet dreams.
You know the drill,
I am honestly starting to lose my sanity,
Think about how bad quarantine is already then think about how bad it would be without a smartphone,
OOP I totally forgot
Last night at midnight I got a text saying "Good Morning Trevor [sunshine emoji]" from some unknown 360 number. Then in the morning I got 2 similar ones, again from different unknown numbers. I was sitting on the couch downstairs and decided to put an end to my curiosity. So I called it. What seemed to be a middle-aged woman answered, and I inquired if she had teenage kids. She said no, but muttered something about the neighbor's kids and after an awkward silence, hung up. Even more confused than when I started, and now with a telemarketer-wary mother inquiring, I didn't know what to do. Shortly thereafter, I received texts from all involved numbers explaining that my number had been given out at a sleepover birthday party of teenage girls to prank text. In good humor I texted the friend who'd given out my number and received a full statement of intent. I'd mistaken some girl my age for a married woman XD anyway. My female contacts are now doubled (it was Mom, Grandmother, one of my aunts) so that is a huge praise! Jk but it was still fun.
Signing off,
You know the drill,
Trevor
P.S. what do you call a shoe with no laces?
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